So, What Do You Take?
“So what do you take?” I had been talking with an acquaintance who was into lifting about Nationals and my numbers.
“Creatine, some B-vitamins, and occasionally some whey if I’m going to have a low protein day, which is rare.” I paused for a minute. Ohhhhh . . . he doesn’t mean vitamins.
“My league tests for performance enhancing drugs,” I continued. “No exceptions, even for testosterone replacement under medical supervision, so you are SOL if you are an old dude and are genuinely running low. I’ve been tested twice this year. Once was a surprise.”
My acquaintance went on to point out that he doesn’t have any of the signs of using (he noted that his face isn’t bloated — something I had not noticed as an indicator among those I know who do partake and compete in an untested league) and said that he enjoys being able to lift more naturally than the guys who use.
This was a first for me. No one had previously suggested to me that I might be on performance-enhancing drugs. And afterward, I was a little annoyed. Developing strength is something my body likes to do. Even as a kid I got crap for having big thighs (this was before the wonderful counter-narrative of women embracing being thick as a positive take on body image). My body likes to put on muscle, even as a 46-year-old. I can’t imagine what it might have done had I discovered powerlifting right after college.
I told myself to think of my acquaintance’s question as a compliment: I’m getting strong enough that people think I might be getting a boost. In addition to winning the masters-1 72 kg class, I finished 16th overall in the open class. That’s not too shabby after three years of competitive training. I wonder sometimes how long I’ll be able to keep improving given that I’m not a spring chicken, but I think I still have some time and potential. Watch out Millenials and Gen Z! I’m still coming for you!
“What do you take” also raised some body image considerations I’ve had since Nationals. I was quite lean — a sharp four-pack of abs and veiny arms. And my arms are big. I don’t have super bulging delts like I might if I were enhanced, but I have a lot of muscle on my arms for a woman. I haven’t been tracking my body fat percentage, but it was lower than it had been in years, judging by my appearance, and I wasn’t sure that I might not be starting to feel some of the effects. It’s hard to say, because I had been in a caloric deficit for a while and my maintenance calories between NAPF and Nationals may still have been a little low, which would account for continued fatigue and a bit of lethargy at certain points in the day (namely, those the farthest from my last carb hit). Also, peaking just does a number on me (bring on the brain fog!).
After Nationals I wanted to gain a little weight back, and I actually was hoping for just a little bit of extra body fat in case that helped me to feel better. I’ve also been letting myself eat, including some naughty stuff — wine and chocolate, the latter in less moderation than is ultimately going to be desirable. Although I want to sit a little heavier than 72kg right now to facilitate gaining even more muscle and having really good, energetic workouts at the gym, I do go to the dark side occasionally. Last night, for example, I was feeling a little fat and unattractive, which is stupid. My abs are not quite as cut as they were a month ago, but that was part of the goal. As Kristin and Mary talked about on a recent Empowered by Iron, women get a lot of indoctrination to be small and lean, and making a choice to be bigger and fluffier can create some emotional angst around body image.
The intimation that I might be using PEDs may also have played into my body image thoughts. While I think my acquaintance was mostly curious whether I really was hitting my total naturally, because I have also been in a less disciplined eating mode, the idea that maybe I looked like I was using — because I’m so huge and muscle-bound — was probably in the back of my mind.
Growing up I heard a lot of negative comments about how women shouldn't let themselves get too big and how those bodybuilders look like men. Just writing this makes me want to swear up a blue streak and run around the block with signs about misogyny and crushing the patriarchy. Women’s bodies come in all shapes and sizes and women’s bodies want to grow and develop in many different ways. Some of us have beautiful soft curves, others are tall lanky and statuesque, and some of us (like me) have bodies that love gaining muscle. These are all expressions of femininity. Why? Because they are how female bodies want to express themselves, and it’s harmful not to let our bodies develop the way they want to. I think the most beautiful women allow their bodies to express their natural tendencies — allowing their bodies to develop the way they want to rather than trying to force them to be something that their metabolism and bone structure aren’t suited for.
There are days I look in the mirror and I’m a little surprised by how much muscle mass I’ve been able to get onto my arms. It’s not a common physique among women, especially at my age. In the same moment, I remember that this is what lets me bench 231lbs, and I smile. It comes both from the hard work and adherence to a consistent plan for months, and also from the way my own body is happy to develop. This is a natural state for me. It’s how my body expresses itself. And when I’m having a “I feel a little yucky about how I look because I’m not as lean as I was at Nationals,” I have a wonderful partner who tells me I’m hot.
Ultimately, I’m the only one who can feel good about my body, its strengths, and its shape, but it does not hurt one bit to have a partner who thinks that strong women are beautiful ones.